Past.
It's been so long, I don't even know where to start.
I will no longer be telling a story of the past. I feel like I no longer need to act like two separate beings.
March of 2009, Adam and I ended our relationship. In a nutshell, I felt neither of us could grow together any longer. I was not looking for another person, merely looking to fill the void myself. Looking to repair myself in ways I had never seen coming. As I struggled with my eating habits, depression and other ailments that severely impaired my former relationship, I was blindsided by the utmost unexpected.
Nathan.
I won't speak of him as my savior, nor love-at-first-sight. It was neither. It was more of a gut-feeling. A 'this-feels-right' situation. No matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, I was still drawn to have his company.
He inspired me. Suddenly I was creating again. Drawing, painting, sketching, writing- Anything I could get my hands on. His stubbornness challenged me to change my life. And I did.

Present.
Last summer, I finally dealt with the issues between my Father and I. A year later, I have come to the head of all these problems; Myself.
I have relapsed into my eating habits full-forced. My mind is constantly thinking about food. Constantly thinking about those 2 lbs. It's hard when I know that logically, this is wrong. But for some reason, it's so comforting. I've sought help from numerous people, yet half of me is kicking myself in the mouth for destroying the one thing that is completely mine.
It's sick, I know.

Future.
I'll be here more often. Hopefully taking up less mass on this earth.

I can't.

Present.

I don't know if I can go through with this.

Days ago I was ready to just say it, write it, let everyone in. And now, somehow, I can't.

I'm scared that people won't understand or they'll think differently about me.

Maybe this is my way of filtering friends.

I related to Coraline in such a weird way.

Sometimes I just want someone to ask what happened, ya know?

It's like they found out part and didn't care to ask anything about it.

Confession.

All of my friends left me when I needed them the most.

This is what I know of friendship.

This is why I can't let this off my heart.

Cause what if they leave me too?

Let's get real now.

Present.

So, where do you start? I've had so many of these I have mearly lost track. None of which have I ever told the truth. I'm always censoring myself; manipulating reality in order to keep those close to me safe.

Well, I believe I have left that part of my life behind now.

My name is Ceferina Grace Gayotin. I was born in Seattle, Washington. I was raised mostly in Puyallup.

I have two older brothers, one of which I reside with, as well as both of my parents. I'm nineteen years old going on twenty. February 28th to be exact. I find 20 a rather intimidating age. I'll go into that later. I have a boyfriend, Adam, of almost 3 years and I am a tattoo artist.

Past.

She spent a lot of time with guys. Her brother, the boys at school & the occasional girl. Her best girlfriends. In the 5th grade it was only 3 girls, later it would become four. She was outgoing and slightly awkward looking. She loved attention and passing glances from the guys. She liked to think she could do anything. She started getting a sore throat, lots of midnight fevers coming and going. Tonsils always inflamed. In December, she started staying home from school quite often. Every morning her father would get her ready for school. What started as a morning routine grew to something that would change the course of her whole life.

Present.

I don't have enough courage to continue on the past right now.

I can't really believe I'm putting her past into words.

This is quite scary.

But I feel I need to.